9 months

9 months since my life has been turned upside down. I still think of what she would be like, look like. I miss her every day. I know she is with Jesus, but I wanted her here with us. I cant explain what it feels like to have this burning desire to be a mommy, and have it ripped out from underneath you. Now I know I WILL be mommy, maybe not to Josiah, but God has promised us children.

I trust God with all of this, I truly do, but it still is painful, and I still grieve. I think of how things could have been different, and they would have found her heartbeat, the ultrasound would have shown a beautiful little baby moving around and kicking her mommy (she was a mover, I would hear her move all the time with the doppler I rented) I dont think I will ever forget that day, the way it felt, the expression on my husbands face. The days following were a blur. I would just lay there and cry, for hours. My husband tried to be strong even though he was in just as much pain. We prayed, we cried out to God, I wanted to know why. I will never really know why, there was no medical reason for this. They did all the tests they could, found a few things, but nothing that jumped out at them, to say this is what caused it. This was not the way I planned it. This was not supposed to happen, not to us....but it did

She was the 1st grandchild, first neice, first child. She will always be the first little miracle. But I know soon I will be blessed with another little miracle. I trust God with all of my heart that he will bless us, and we will meet our next child here on earth.

In memory of our little beanie: April 11th 2008 - June 25th 2008